Joke

[davidh]

A Duck walks into a bar and says

Got any bread?

Barman says no.

Duck replies, Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

No
Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

NO we havent got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your F***ing beak to the bar you irratating little B*****d.

Duck says, Got any nails?

No.

Got any bread? ;D

[davidh]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says: "We only have one rule
here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with
the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ....
Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says: "I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a duck."
;D

[davidh]

Did you hear about the magic door??

It was a jar.

Did you hear about the magic tractor???

It was driving up the road and turned into a field

;D

[davidh]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
;D ;D ;D

[davidh]

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt.' Teacher says 'Badly?'


Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't fxxk about at the crematorium.
;D

[davidh]

Wee Johnnie is playing in his room with his train set , when walking by the room door his mother stops to hear wee johnnie blurt out . " Would all the fu***rs leaving the train hurry up and get there arses moving and the fu***rs boarding the train get a fu***ng move on ive not got all day". After his mother heard this he was grounded and the train set took away for 2 hours as punishment . Two hours passes and Wee johnnie has the train set back after a while his mum goes and checks on him only for her to hear wee johnie say " Would all passengers leaving the train do so in a orderly fashion and i hope you enjoyed your journey , And would the passengers coming onto the train please take a seat and relax, as for the ones moaning about the 2 hour delay blame the fat ba5tard in the kitchen.
;D

[hcfm]

These are so terrible they made me laff! LOL

[davidh]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into my local supermarket for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say "No" and
instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Morrisons in Hinckley. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, and 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last
Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So be warned!



P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look nicer.







;D ;D ;D

[davidh]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'




The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr � gurrr � king'
;D

[davidh]

A mate of mine has just told me he's sleeping with his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Boom boom!